(be)Holding without Touching
by SleepyMorning
Summary: Stop breaking. I already did that. Stop coming. As if I could do that. Stop looking. Never. Shizaya. MalexMale. What a crappy summary.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Durarara etc

**beHolding without Touching  
**

Izaya chuckled as he saw Shizuo flung yet another victim to his wrath, and career, for that matter. The person must have refused to pay and spouted some provoking words to Shizuo. Izaya shook his head, amused by the fact that people still dared to defy Shizuo despite his reputation as strongest man and having the worst temper in Ikebukuro.

Izaya left his place behind a wall of a building to continue tailing both Shizuo and his employer, Tom, as his targets began walking, heading some place else.

It was already late afternoon. From a safe distance, he saw Shizuo and Tom bid each other good bye. Shizuo stayed rooted while Tom left. After few seconds, Izaya saw Shizuo turned around, his gaze pierced right through Izaya.

Izaya sighed inwardly. So much for a safe distance.  
He has been found out.

Shizuo walked, painfully slowly, as if teasing, towards Izaya, who stayed rooted at his place of hiding. Since he has been found out, there was no point of running.  
Shizuo stopped, a few feet before Izaya. He took his shades out and wore it.

"Shizu-chan," Izaya greeted gleefully.

"Leave, flea,"

Izaya shrugged. He was planning to, anyway.

"Don't ever come back,"

Watching Shizuo's retreating back, he made no promise.

* * *

Izaya slouched, clutching his stomach in pain. Before him, stood Shizuo, the cause of the pain.  
Shizuo had kneed his stomach.

"Only yesterday, I told you to stay out of Ikebukuro, flea,"

Izaya was still slouched, his eyes did not leave the ground.

"I have work, Shizu-chan,"

Silence filled the air as Shizuo made no reply to Izaya's excuse.  
Izaya looked up, wondering why Shizuo had gone silent.

Shizuo was looking at him, with no expression. However, Izaya knew Shizuo better, he was actually staring at him incredulously.  
Shizuo knew that it was an excuse.

Izaya slowly straightened his back. He flinched. He knew Shizuo had not used his full force, otherwise he would be flying.  
However, it was strong enough as a warning.

"Don't come again, Izaya,"

Again, he made no promise.

* * *

Today, he came again to Ikebukuro. Izaya started searching for Shizuo straight away. He asked around, and finally found out that Shizuo was on the west side of the town. So he began walking towards the specific street where Shizuo would be.

From afar, he saw Shizuo walked with Tom by his side. He started walking briskly to begin tailing Shizuo again today.

However, Shizuo suddenly stopped walking. Izaya abruptly stopped walking too. He was still quite far from the blonde, the only distinguished features he was able to make out of Shizuo was his blonde hair and black and white uniform he donned, plus Tom's unique hairstyle. There was no way Shizuo could detect him.

But Shizuo did stop walking. Tom left after they exchanged a few words.

Izaya thought, maybe Shizuo needed to leave early or he had an important task to do, because it was still early afternoon.  
To his extreme shock, Shizuo turned and looked straight at Izaya.  
Izaya's heart skipped a beat. He has been found out, this early.

They stayed unmoved for a while. Only exchanging stares. Izaya's nervous, while Shizuo's was inexplicable. Afterwards, Shizuo walked into an alley.

Izaya followed.  
Shizuo was leaning against the wall of a building there, in the alley, as Izaya walked slowly towards him.  
He stopped a few feet away.  
Shizuo pushed himself off the wall. Standing tall, he reduced the distance between them, until Izaya could make out his features completely.  
His brown eyes, each strand of his blonde locks, and his sleeves folded to his elbow.

His face.

Unconsciously, Izaya softened his gaze.

"I am going to say this straight,"

Izaya smirked. He was not up for a talk, because it would be pointless. He produced his knife and pointed it towards Shizuo.  
The blonde brute did not flinch, or even pretend to be intimidated by the threatening gesture.  
Shizuo's mouth moved, forming the following words.

"Stop coming, Izaya. Stop following me. We are _through_,"

Izaya blinked. He swallowed unconsciously.  
However, he stayed rooted.

"It was _your_ decision," Shizuo continued.

Izaya's heart leaped. He felt his throat drying at Shizuo's tone, accusing.  
Shizuo stressed on the word _your_.  
Both of them, had their breath hitched.  
Izaya was more affected by those words more than the other. He lowered his knife, his mouth opened, but he did not form any words.

He looked straight at Shizuo. His heart constricted. Something threatened to come out, causing his cheeks to redden.  
Shizuo was looking at him painfully. He had creases between his eyebrows, as if to stop something from spilling over. But Shizuo did not surrender.  
Izaya could not answer as he did not expect this issue would surface. He thought Shizuo would just pretend nothing had _ever_ happened between them.

But Shizuo was attacking him head on.

After the silence-covered emotional tension, Shizuo left.

* * *

Izaya began walking.  
He still had his knife in his hand. His grip loosened, only to tightened again. His emotion was a mess. He was drowned in his own thoughts.

Izaya admit, it was all true. He was the one breaking them up.  
He was the one ending it, only a few days before their first anniversary. The perfectly mismatched relationship, so warm and blissful Izaya swore he was in heaven.

They were in heaven.

From someone else's point of view, it was an awkward and seemingly ingenuous relationship of all. Izaya, the scheming fox and Shizuo, the roaring, too powerful lion.

But for Izaya, the moment they began their relationship, was the first time he was able to breathe. Because he had been in love with Shizuo for so many years, he could taste happiness just having a glimpse of the blonde in his sight.

Shizuo, who had an abnormal strength. Who could destroy anything he wanted.

Was that why they broke up?

Triple negative. Shizuo was too strong, of course, but Shizuo, he... was gentle. He was so gentle towards Izaya. His fingers barely touched Izaya's shoulder while they were sitting on the couch watching tv. Izaya was having a hard time at work, and Shizuo would not want to stress him further with unnecessary caressing, but he wanted Izaya to know that he was there for him. Shizuo squeezed his palm as Izaya's father taunted him through the phone, giving him a silent support. He did not complain, he did not throw tantrums (and furnitures, because he could and he wanted to) of the words thrown at Izaya, instead, he waited patiently until the call ended.

And then he would lend his shoulder for Izaya to cry on.

Taking in all of Izaya.  
That gentle Shizuo, Izaya had let go.

Izaya did not even explain to Shizuo when he told him he wanted to break up. He merely said:

"_This would not work out. I am leaving,"_

Shizuo knew he would not change his mind. After countless shouts and failed persuasions, they officially separated.  
There was nothing a broken, crushed Shizuo could do.

Izaya knew if he had told Shizuo his reason, the blonde would shout at him and say that he thought too much. They would go round and round.  
Because Izaya was the one doing all the thinking, positive and negatively in the relationship, and Shizuo was the simple one. They could never agree on what's on each other's head.

Shizuo, he was abnormal. He was not an ordinary man. However, his strength did not damage him.

Izaya, on the other hand, he was... damaged. He was broken beyond repair. He could love, hell, he has been loving Shizuo for seven years.  
But, after being in a relationship for a year, Izaya realised.  
He could not do it. His heart was too weak.  
His feelings, everything in his soul had been trampled countless times. He learnt about the filthy world too much that he no longer has faith in anything pure he attempted to do.  
Including having a completely blissful loving relationship with Shizuo.

He was feeling insecure. He could not reciprocate Shizuo's gentleness well. He felt inadequate to the gentle blonde. He felt the relationship ending in the next second, every day.  
He felt like he could not hold on to the blonde when he should.  
Shizuo was everything to him. But his heart was panting, exhausted.  
He was afraid he would destroy the blonde from inside out.

The last thing he would do.  
The last thing Izaya wanted to do.

Shizuo's simple mind would never be able to understand Izaya's agony.

Hence Izaya chose the only path for him.  
He left, leaving Shizuo heartbroken, for he know how much the blonde loved him.  
Shizuo had been loving him for seven years too.

Izaya's inner turmoil rested after the break up. His anxiety disappeared.  
However, he loved Shizuo. Everything of Shizuo, Izaya embraced. He had tasted Shizuo's sweet love.

It would be a lie to say that he did not yearn for more.

Shameless, Izaya knew.  
Izaya could break up with Shizuo. He'd done that.  
But to stop loving, even only the calloused hands and the foul mouth,

_Impossible, Shizu-chan._


	2. Chapter 2: Shizuo

**Can't really call it a sequel or a second chapter. Maybe an afterthought that is Shizuo's? Anyway, hope you enjoy reading this.**

**I don't own anything.**

**Clenching Glasses**

"_It is not going to work."_

Die.

_His eyes bore into mine. Acting so serious and matured, when I know he was just let his insanity got to him._

You're driving me insane.

"_No matter what Shizu-chan says, we are over,"_

Stop.

"_I am leaving,"_

No.

"_Let me go,"_

Shut up.

"_Let me go,"_

"_Let me go,"_

"_Let me go,"_

"_Shizu-chan. Let. me. go."_

I glared at the person cowering before me. I don't even know who he is. I'm sure Tom told me about him, but that does not matter. The person kept saying something but I was not listening.

Because some stubborn memories kept assaulting me in my mind.

"Please, let me go Heiwajima sama!"

"_Let my hand go. Let me go,"_

I shook my head. Here comes the stupid memory again.

"_Heiwajima Shizuo. Please,"_

"Heiwajima sama! Please! Don't kill me!"

It was so noisy, sounds and words crowding in my ears.

My head ached.

I glared at the person before me harder.

"Huh!? What did ya say? You're not paying? HUH?"

I raised my fist, ready to punch the life out of the guy.

"Huh? No, wait!"

Too bad. I punched him and sent him flying.

I heard Tom sighed beside me.

I turned to him, incidentally glared at him as well.

He shrugged.

"Shizuo, I-"

"I know, I know.. You said to hold back a bit. I am sorry Tom san." I tried to apologise, despite my eyes unfocused of what was before me.

He gave a friendly pat on my shoulder.

"Don't worry. Everyone has their own bad day."

I shrugged. I guess I could say that was true.

In fact, there has not been a single good day for me.

Ever since the day a month ago.

Unconsciously, I sighed. I felt rage surged in me whenever I think about the day.

Because the flea, he-

"Look, Shizuo. Let's end it today. We are ahead of our schedule anyway. Why don't you go back and rest?"

Tom suggested. He knew that I haven't completely recovered yet, and he knew it would take long.

"Ok. Thanks,"

Tom nodded.

We walked, and once we reached the intersection, we separated.

He headed towards his home and I to mine.

I opened the door to my apartment. Suddenly this feeling of awkwardness and silence assaulted me. Memories and feelings came punching me like a gust of wind. And I don't like it one bit. I closed the door, trying my best not to slam it as hard as I could.

But the feelings stayed. My chest hurt and it was hard to breathe.

I walked towards my bedroom, I did not blink, nor did I make any sound.

I refused to drop to my knees and scream.

_Because I could see his traces everywhere._

Especially the bedroom.

I felt like stabbing knives on the bed and ripping the sheet, the mattress, the pillows, all of them-

Apart.

Forget knives, I'd use axes.

Afterwards, I would burn the apartment down.

And pummel _him_ to the ground.

I have always had a bad temper. Probably the worst in Ikebukuro. But everything ticked me off nowadays. Everything irked me and I could not breathe.

Since the flea left me.

I love Izaya. He was a mad, scheming, a genius, fearless fox, but..

That's what I love about him, I guess.

Also, underneath all those layers, thick layers of hard shells, he has a soft side.

He showed only me his soft and tender side, because I am the one he loves.

And he left.

No explanation. We will never work out, he said.

I know that he thought too much. I don't know what was going on in his head, but the flea, he..

Whatever it was, it was enough to crush everything that we had for almost year, to nothing.

He's crazy, for sure.

But his insanity drove me crazy. I screamed at him. I hugged him. I held his wrist so hard it could break. I threatened to kill him.

I told him I love him so _much_, that I _could not live _without him, that we could work this out, that I'd _die_ if he leaves.

_I begged him not to._

He looked away.

And left.

I wanted to murder him. I wanted to strangle him. I wanted to torture him, making him cry. I wanted to keep him in the house, repeat the question, over and over, until he got it through his head and finally accepted that the break up was a joke.

He made me this way.

Before, I was content with keeping my feelings that I had to myself. But then, I found out he shared the same feeling, and we have been living happily together!

I thought we'd last forever.

But what did he do?

He took my heart, and he blew my mind.

He held my heart in his hand, and he crushed it.

I was not even trying to be sappy.

He took everything off me after giving me a taste.

Orihara Izaya. That bloody player.

I so wanted to destroy him. He played me! He deceived me, saying he loved me, cared for me, could not live without me...

That big, fat, liar.

I thought you loved me.

I was so ready to forget you after at least hurt you.

It took me two freaking weeks to be able to even stand again.

I _have decided_, that love does not always work out in the end.

But, that flea kept following me. At first, I thought it was just me. Maybe I have not recovered from the temporary insanity I experienced, that I felt like I was seeing him.

Feeling his presence.

Shaking at his intense gaze.

But he was really there. Following me everywhere, then left after I separated from Tom.

I confronted him once.

Twice.

Thrice.

He was still there. After my last warning, he no longer followed me.

Instead, he scanned for me from the top of nearby building.

And he thought I could not figure it out.

I have been loving him for years. I have been chasing him for years. I have been sniffing him out for years.

I could hear his movement.

I could feel the air he breathe out.

Even right now, he was gazing at me from the top of the yellow building.

Ruthless, you are, Izaya.

You broke up with me. You broke me. You stabbed me.

And now what, you're gazing at me?

And what was that, Izaya? A loving gaze?

Longing?

You missed me, Izaya?

You loved me, Izaya?

You wanted to kiss me, hug me, Izaya?

Go to hell.

You're the one who wanted to break up, why are you looking at me with such sad eyes, Izaya?

I don't know if this was what you wanted, Izaya. I don't know if keeping things uncertain between us is what you thought was the best for us.

Separating while knowing we were crazy for each other.

I don't know about you, Izaya, and I don't care.

For me, this was the worst.

This was tormenting me. I was stuck. I could not move.

My soul was scattered here and there, and I could not find myself without you.

You who ran away.

If only I can just stop loving you. Everything would be so easy. I would not wake up in the middle of the night, my hand traced the bed linen, searching for something that was no longer there.

_You._

If only I can forget you. If only I had not learned your name that I kept chanting in my mind.

If only I had not fallen in love with you since so long ago,

And this hard too...

I want to be out of this game you play, Izaya. So, I would let fate choose. Either I stop loving you, or you running back into my arms, I don't care.

I want an end.

Because your insanity was driving me mad, Izaya.

My patience is running thin. My feeling is bubbling up. My control is slipping away.

I swear,

If this burning sensation in my chest does not stop soon,

I'm **locking** you up.

Don't test me.

* * *

**Hardly a happy ending, Ninja Mafia Mistress, but, I hope reading this was fun. hehe.**

**Thank you for reading, reviewing, following and faving!**


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